atbaron
Accidental Hero
I otter be writing.
Posts: 33 
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Post by atbaron on Jul 13, 2022 12:01:12 GMT -5
Thanks for your critiques. I don't take part in many Twitter pitches, but it's always good to see if I can get the story down to 280 characters and still be intriguing.
16 y/o Ferne's summer stroke breaks her brain, and she struggles to speak. Her grades, friendships, and mental health are fragile but manageable until animal telepathy takes over her mind. Now she may lose them all if she can't control her thoughts. #YA #PR #DIS
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Post by ikmar on Jul 14, 2022 13:28:03 GMT -5
Hi A.T.
Did you mean brakes (as in stops) as a play on words over breaks (as in broken) ? If so, I don't think that works other than setting a slightly campy tone.
It is hard to shrink a story down, but this may be too general. I don't get any kind of sense how the animal telepathy changes her life other than "negatively".
Still, it's intriguing as a premise and I'd be interested in seeing if your query is more fullsome.
Dave
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Post by britstanford on Jul 14, 2022 19:00:15 GMT -5
Do you mean "break" her mind? Intriguing concept. Young person dealing with aftereffects of stroke + superpower (is this like a "dog whisperer", could exist in the real world sort of telepathy? I agree with Dave: I think it could use more specific details. I'm wondering what "controlling her thoughts" has to do with telepathy. Is she having bad thoughts? Are her thoughts affecting the animals in a bad way? More details would be great!
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atbaron
Accidental Hero
I otter be writing.
Posts: 33
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Post by atbaron on Jul 15, 2022 12:18:24 GMT -5
ikmar and britstanford , Thank you for pointing out my typo. My tired eyes and brain didn't notice that before posting. I've corrected the Tweet. As for the negative impacts: the telepathy overwhelms the MC to the point of agonizing pain and blackouts until she learns to control it. She is also trying to keep it a secret. Please let me know of a way to fit that in with the fewest words.
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Post by ikmar on Jul 15, 2022 15:15:25 GMT -5
This isn't great and it's too long, but maybe it'll make you think about the tweet a little differently:
16 y/o Ferne's stroke breaks her brain. Her grades, friendships, and mental health fracture as the aftermath brings speaking struggles, strange pains, and blackouts. Worse, are the hallucinations--as if she can hear animals' thoughts. Except the more she fights for sanity, the more she suffers. #YA #PR #DIS
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