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Post by ashlynwriting on Jul 10, 2022 9:15:22 GMT -5
Dear Agent, Shade is a Wraith, a dead girl resurrected by science and magic. She, along with her siblings were created to fight trespassing creatures from breaches in their reality. Her abilities give her tremendous strength, speed, and bloodlust, but as much as she wishes she could kill her abusive, controlling creators, she owes them her life. While on a mission, Shade runs into her childhood friend and unrequited love, Harper, who isn’t willing to say goodbye to the friend she thought she lost.
When Harper follows her back to the Facility, Shade accepts her presence instead of chasing her friend away to keep her safe. Now, Shade must balance her human and monster sides whenever Harper visits, and be on her best behavior. If the Facility found out about Harper, they could easily erase her memories. But with each visit, the feelings Shade thought she’d buried not only resurface, but grow. Then, miraculously, Harper returns them. Dating in the Facility offers few options: competing in the gym, card games, and kissing wounds better.
When the Facility reveals they were aware of Harper’s presence the entire time, they force Shade into her most dangerous mission yet: stopping the monster invasion at its source. Shade must cross a dimensional rift and sever the ties between the invaders’ world and hers, but if she saves the world, she will be trapped a dimension away from the girl she loves
Complete at 90,000 words, THESE MONSTROUS HEARTS is a YA contemporary fantasy featuring a sapphic relationship. It will appeal to readers of What Big Teeth by Rose Szado, A Dark and Hollow Star by Ashley Shuttleworth and fans of Stranger Things. |
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Post by beautifulbrainbooks on Jul 10, 2022 11:32:42 GMT -5
Ashlyn,
This is such an interesting sounding story! It's unique and clearly has a well-thought out world.
I just have a few things to watch out for. One is commas, such as in "she, along with her siblings were created" where I would add a comma after siblings. I also would watch for lists of similarly sounding sentences in a row. For the second paragraph, most of the sentences go "dependent clause, independent clause". Because they all have a small lead-in then the meat of the sentence, they sound a bit repetitive so that can lead to people getting lost in the sentences. Also, for the last line, I would add "and" before the second book, as it is not a parallel group of three.
I think you have so many good ideas here, and I love sapphic love stores that have a plot outside of romance (though I love those with just romance too).
Thanks for letting me read this!
Kerenza (She/her)
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Post by Lora Palmer on Jul 13, 2022 21:16:17 GMT -5
Wow, this premise sounds amazing, and now I want to read the book  ! I don't have much to add in the way of feedback. I agree with Kerenza's suggestions for edits. Best of luck with this! |
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Post by hannahgreer on Jul 15, 2022 23:15:45 GMT -5
Dear Agent, Shade is a Wraith, a dead girl resurrected by science and magic. She, along with her siblings, were created to fight trespassing creatures from breaches in their(whose reality? The monsters or wraiths? I think it would work to just cut 'their' to make it simpler) reality. Her abilities give her tremendous strength, speed, and bloodlust, but as much as she wishes she could kill her abusive, controlling creators, she owes them her life. While on a mission, Shade runs into her childhood friend and unrequited love, Harper, who isn’t willing to say goodbye to the friend she thought she lost. This sounds super interesting! The dynamic and drama!
When Harper follows her back to the Facility, Shade accepts her presence instead of chasing her friend away to keep her safe(letting her stay keeps her safe?). Now, Shade must balance her human and monster sides whenever Harper visits, and be on her best behavior. If the Facility found out about Harper, they could easily erase her memories. But with each visit, the feelings Shade thought she’d buried not only resurface, but grow. Then, miraculously, Harper returns them. Dating in the Facility offers few options: competing in the gym, card games, and kissing wounds better.
When the Facility reveals they were aware of Harper’s presence the entire time, they force Shade into her most dangerous mission yet: stopping the monster invasion at its source. Shade must cross a dimensional rift and sever the ties between the invaders’ world and hers, but if she saves the world, she will be trapped a dimension away from the girl she loves. Wow, the stakes get so intense! I like how you build up to them slowly, starting with what Shade is and then Harper and the relationship and finally, world ending danger!
Complete at 90,000 words, THESE MONSTROUS HEARTS is a YA contemporary fantasy featuring a sapphic relationship. It will appeal to readers of What Big Teeth by Rose Szado, A Dark and Hollow Star by Ashley Shuttleworth and fans of Stranger Things. This sounds like a super exiting story, I like the comps! Though I have heard some controversies around What Big Teeth, so I'm not sure if that would affect agent's opinions on it.I liked this a lot! Drew me right in. It seems like Shade will have all the emotions and drama to deal with, on top of saving the world. I would totally read this! |
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Post by christinaf on Jul 16, 2022 0:42:54 GMT -5
Dear Agent, Shade is a Wraith, a dead girl resurrected by science and magic. She, along with her siblings were created to fight trespassing creatures from breaches in their reality. Her abilities give her tremendous strength, speed, and bloodlust, but as much as she wishes she could kill her abusive, controlling creators, she owes them her life. While on a mission, Shade runs into her childhood friend and unrequited love, Harper, who isn’t willing to say goodbye to the friend she thought she lost.
When Harper follows her back to the Facility, Shade accepts (maybe instead of 'accepts' maybe use something with a little more tension like she helps hide Harper? but ya know, if she does that) her presence instead of chasing her friend away to keep her safe. Now, Shade must balance her human and monster sides whenever Harper visits, and be on her best behavior. If the Facility found out about Harper, they could easily erase her memories. But with each visit, the feelings Shade thought she’d buried not only resurface, but grow. Then, miraculously, Harper returns them. Dating in the Facility offers few options: competing in the gym, card games, and kissing wounds better.
When the Facility reveals they were aware of Harper’s presence the entire time, they force Shade into her most dangerous mission yet: stopping the monster invasion at its source. Shade must cross a dimensional rift and sever the ties between the invaders’ world and hers, but if she saves the world, she will be trapped a dimension away from the girl she loves
Complete at 90,000 words, THESE MONSTROUS HEARTS is a YA contemporary fantasy featuring a sapphic relationship. It will appeal to readers of What Big Teeth by Rose Szado, A Dark and Hollow Star by Ashley Shuttleworth and fans of Stranger Things. Nice query and interesting premise. I love the comps. Good luck with this! |
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! I don't have much to add in the way of feedback. I agree with Kerenza's suggestions for edits. Best of luck with this!
