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Post by RebeccaJ_Allen on Jul 9, 2022 14:56:37 GMT -5
Thanks in advance for any feedback!
PICTURES THAT LIE is YA suspense told from four points of view. Complete at 72,000 words, it has the cheating scandal of The Ivies by Alexa Donne, the high stakes and compressed timeline of This Is Where It Ends by Marieke Nijkamp, and the social media cautions of Ten Arguments for Deleting Your Social Media Accounts Right Now by Jaron Lanier.
Panic sparks at Green Point High when a devastating fire erupts. As injured students are sped to the ER, their friends scour social media for someone to blame. Rumors swell into an online witch hunt which incites a vigilante attack on the accused arsonist.
Someone’s future will go up with the blaze. And if the truth is overshadowed by “alternative facts,” it won’t be the true culprit’s.
Four students know something:
Dalma just wants a shot at her dream college. She plants firecrackers in the school’s atrium to disrupt the cheating ring that’s making it impossible for anyone on the outside to rank at the top of the class.
Mason’s the bad boy with a grudge to settle. Is he aiming for more than just cash when he sells Dalma the firecrackers?
Gem, the play’s leading lady, is staging a preview in the atrium when the firecrackers go off. Only she knows that something other than the firecrackers may have started the fire.
Tyler, school newspaper reporter, keeps the student body in the know with viral posts about the disaster. But are his posts true or just aimed at getting enough clicks to take his #GreenPointTerror hashtag viral?
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Post by beautifulbrainbooks on Jul 9, 2022 15:28:26 GMT -5
Hello Rebecca,
This looks really good overall, and definitely has my attention. I don't have much feedback, but I'll leave a bit.
The third section ("someone's future (...) true culrpits's") reads a bit rough to me. I'm not sure if it's the abnormal punctuation or something else, but I had to read it a few times to be sure. It's worth asking a few others though to see if it's just me!
In the last section I'm not sure if it makes more sense to take it viral or make it viral.
Besides that, I think you sum up the caracters well and have a good writing style. Great job!
Kerenza
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Post by KWR229 on Jul 11, 2022 23:10:41 GMT -5
Hey! I know agents love comps, but because you capture your plot so well, you might want to get there quicker and move the word count and comps to the end of your query.
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Post by Lora Palmer on Jul 12, 2022 15:48:54 GMT -5
Hi! I think this query has come together beautifully! I agree with KER229's suggestion to switch the order so you start with your blurb, than go into the title, word count and comps at the end.
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Post by taratlk on Jul 13, 2022 12:41:42 GMT -5
I would suggest considering reordering start with the four students, and then end with will the truth about the blaze come out.
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Post by juliaalexandra17 on Jul 14, 2022 21:51:58 GMT -5
Hi Rebecca,
I really liked your comp section because it’s clear that you know how to utilize comps to convey the feel and plot of your book. However, I’m wondering if it might be better to stick to two comps. By the third comp, I was ready to get to the plot.
This premise was really intriguing, and I love the way you set up the 4 POVs. However, I was confused by this sentence: “And if the truth is overshadowed by “alternative facts,” it won’t be the true culprit’s.” I read it twice and was still not quite sure what you meant by it. Maybe rewording it to something more specific about the “alternative facts” might help.
I really liked learning about each of the four students and how they might have been the culprits, but I think maybe tying it all up with a final stakes line might help. Right now, it feels like there needs to be a more definitive end to the query. But I think you are on the right track with keeping your query short and sweet. I really enjoyed reading your query, and I would be really interested know who started the fire!
I do agree with an above commenter that the idea of starting with the four students and then ending with the blaze might be a cool way to start the query, too!
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Post by hannahgreer on Jul 15, 2022 12:47:47 GMT -5
Hi Rebecca,
Your query is really compelling. I can feel the high stakes and emotions of the student body. You also revealed the fact that there will be four point-of-view characters smoothly. One question I had was that "vigilant attack" sounds like it will get violent, but when you talk about "someone's future" it sounds more like college and stuff. It may just be a personal thing that I'm interpreting them that way, but maybe consider if that's what you're going for? Anyway, I really liked it and would totally read this book!
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Post by shante on Jul 15, 2022 16:06:31 GMT -5
Wow, this pitch sounds INCREDIBLE!! I agree with other commenters that with a little reorganizing, you could really make this query shine! (And please let me know if you're ever looking for a beta!) Feel free to take my feedback with a grain of salt! I hope at least some of it is helpful.  --- PICTURES THAT LIE is YA suspense told from four points of view. Complete at 72,000 words, it has the cheating scandal of The Ivies by Alexa Donne and the high stakes and compressed timeline of This Is Where It Ends by Marieke Nijkamp, and the social media cautions of Ten Arguments for Deleting Your Social Media Accounts Right Now by Jaron Lanier. [As others have mentioned, I think you can cut this last comp. I'm not familiar with this title either, but it sounds like nonfiction? I would stick with the YA suspense comps you have. Also, I think This Is Where It Ends may be getting a little old for a comp. The rule of thumb I've seen is titles within the last 5 years, but if you can't find a more recent comp, it's probably not a deal breaker. (:]Panic sparks at Green Point High when a devastating fire erupts. As injured students are sped to the ER, their friends scour social media for someone to blame. Rumors swell into an online witch hunt that incites a vigilante attack on the accused arsonist. Four students know something: [I'm wondering if you can make this last sentence a bit punchier? Something like "And four students all have something to hide"]Dalma just wants a shot at her dream college. She plants firecrackers in the school’s atrium to disrupt the cheating ring that’s making it impossible for anyone on the outside to rank at the top of the class. Mason’s the bad boy with a grudge to settle. Is he aiming for more than just cash when he sells Dalma the firecrackers? [Love me a bad boy!]Gem, the play’s leading lady, is staging a preview in the atrium when the firecrackers go off. Only she knows that something other than the firecrackers may have started the fire. Tyler, school newspaper reporter, keeps the student body in the know with viral posts about the disaster. But are his posts true or just aimed at getting enough clicks clickbait to take his #GreenPointTerror hashtag viral? [You already included # so I don't think you need to spell out hashtag after or maybe drop the #.]Someone’s future will go up with the blaze. ["in flames" might be a good alternative to "with the blaze."] And if the truth is overshadowed by “alternative facts,” it won’t be the true culprit’s.
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Post by christinaf on Jul 15, 2022 18:07:38 GMT -5
Thanks in advance for any feedback!
PICTURES THAT LIE is YA suspense told from four points of view. Complete at 72,000 words, it has the cheating scandal of The Ivies by Alexa Donne, the high stakes and compressed timeline of This Is Where It Ends by Marieke Nijkamp, and the social media cautions of Ten Arguments for Deleting Your Social Media Accounts Right Now by Jaron Lanier.
Panic sparks at Green Point High when a devastating fire erupts. As injured students are sped to the ER, their friends scour social media for someone to blame. Rumors swell into an online witch hunt which incites a vigilante attack on the accused arsonist. Just a small suggestion but not really necessary, you could say "As the injured are sped tot he ER, other students scour social media...." I only suggest it b/c for some reason saying 'their friends' makes me feel like I should know the injured students but that could just be me lol.
Someone’s future will go up with the blaze. And if the truth is overshadowed by “alternative facts,” it won’t be the true culprit’s. Maybe here you could say something like "And if the truth is overshadowed by "alternative facts," it could be anyone--guilty or not." I dunno why 'it won't be the true culprit's' felt stumbly. Even though I'm reading it in my head and not out loud it feels hard to do/tongue twisty the 'ue' of true followed by 'ul' of culprits. Again, could just be me lol and it's nothing major either way.
Four students know something:
Dalma just wants a shot at her dream college. She plants firecrackers in the school’s atrium to disrupt the cheating ring that’s making it impossible for anyone on the outside to rank at the top of the class.
Mason’s the bad boy with a grudge to settle. Is he aiming for more than just cash when he sells Dalma the firecrackers?
Gem, the play’s leading lady, is staging a preview in the atrium when the firecrackers go off. Only she knows that something other than the firecrackers may have started the fire.
Tyler, school newspaper reporter, keeps the student body in the know with viral posts about the disaster. But are his posts true or just aimed at getting enough clicks to take his #GreenPointTerror hashtag viral?
I remember this one! I love this version! Great job with it and good luck! |
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