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Post by DianaDeBolt on Jul 9, 2022 9:52:37 GMT -5
NOTE: not for Twitter. This pitch is intended for Agent who ask for a pitch in query manager. Thanks!
To wish an end to her Grandpa's memory loss, 11-year-old Serendipity Moon catches a shooting star and seals it in a jar. Her star isn't just a chunk of meteorite, it's a wish-granting constellation come to life. Serendipity believe’s she found the key to saving Grandpa’s memory. But each wish her starling grants goes awry with wacky results. Grandpa’s memory worsens and black holes appear in her starling’s fur. Serendipity must solve the wish dilemma before she loses her starling and Grandpa forgets her forever.
A SNICKER OF MAGIC meets BECAUSE OF WINN-DIXIE, WHAT STARS REMEMBER is a middle grade contemporary fantasy based on my Dad and Grandpa’s battles with dementia. Although it tackles a tough subject, the story is told with whimsy and hope like books by Natalie Lloyd.
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Post by DianaDeBolt on Jul 9, 2022 9:53:58 GMT -5
Oops, I just noticed this is for TWITTER pitches, not query form pitches. That said, this pitch is tooo long for twitter. Honestly, I haven't seen much action in the twitter pitch events, so if anyone wants to give feedback this pitch with it's intent to be used for filling out Query Manager forms, I'd appreciate it.
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Post by scottrho on Jul 11, 2022 17:36:25 GMT -5
Hi Diana.
Wow! That first sentence blows me away. Grandpa's memory loss, a great character name, and then sealing the shooting star in a jar. I love all of that. After that, the exposition of the second sentence feels a little less exciting. It's not that it's bad, it just tough to follow that first sentence with some (probably needed) exposition. In the third sentence "believe's" should be "believes," but that sentence also feels a little flat. I think it's because those two sentence are telling, after that spectacular first sentence. Then you pique my interest again when the wishes go bad. I'd like to know more about those wacky results, though. It interests me a lot, but it confuses me a bit too. Everything up to here sounds serious, poignant, even sad, but then it takes a comedic turn with the word "wacky." Again, I'm really interested, but it raises questions. I'm also confused by "the starling's fur." I didn't expect that. It doesn't fit what I pictured with "a wish-granting constellation come to life." Then you wrap it up with heart-breaking stakes. The last paragraph is strong. I love the personal connection, and I love that there's another hint at the humor that we don't quite see in the story summary.
Overall, though, this looks really promising. There's so much that grabs me, even if the middle of the summary doesn't carry the same punch as the start and end.
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Post by ikmar on Jul 12, 2022 21:25:39 GMT -5
Sounds very interesting  I'd get rid of first "her", it wrecks the flow and the capital G implies it's her grandpa anyway. Watch repetition. You say "Grandpa's memory" three times in two lines. Yes, it's integral but it may be a sign your overstating. Even something like "awry with wacky results" -- doesn't one imply the other? My biggest issue though is the stakes. If the starling doesn't grant the right wish, Ser isn't any worse off -- as opposed to not finding it in the first place. And I'm thinking, if she just stops making wishes to save the starling (which is a bird, so that throws me), I'm going to be very disappointed. So, as above, great start, but not as attention getting afterward. |
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Post by ssteig on Jul 13, 2022 15:54:35 GMT -5
NOTE: not for Twitter. This pitch is intended for an Agent who ask s for a pitch in query manager. Thanks! To wish an end to her Grandpa's memory loss, 11-year-old Serendipity Moon catches a shooting star and seals it in a jar. Her star isn't just a chunk of meteorite, it's a wish-granting constellation come to life. Serendipity believes she found the key to saving Grandpa’s memory. But each wish her starling grants goes awry with wacky results. Grandpa’s memory worsens and black holes appear in her starling’s fur. Serendipity must solve the wish dilemma before she loses her starling and Grandpa forgets her forever. A SNICKER OF MAGIC meets BECAUSE OF WINN-DIXIE, WHAT STARS REMEMBER is a middle grade contemporary fantasy based on my dad and grandpa’s battles with dementia. Although it tackles a tough subject, the story is told with whimsy and hope like books by Natalie Lloyd. Love, love, love this premise!!! This is a wonderful pitch - I've just made some editing recommendations. I "wish" to see this in print soon!!!!! |
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Post by melpend on Jul 14, 2022 7:46:26 GMT -5
I was fortunate to be a beta reader for this story and I loved it! If I remember correctly, Diana, doesn't someone come in wanting to build a resort in the town and Serendipity's mom is considering selling their lighthouse? Could you tie that element in somehow so the stakes are more personal for Serendipity?
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Post by DianaDeBolt on Jul 14, 2022 17:43:30 GMT -5
Ohhhh, That's a great idea! Mel!
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Post by Jeanne on Jul 16, 2022 18:59:32 GMT -5
I love the premise, the name 'Serendipity Moon', her stakes, and that the wishes go awry, even as she's trying to save her Grandma's memory!! So much is packed in one paragraph. Reminds me of Half Magic by Edward Eager. Then melpend added that there's an ethical twist that raises the stakes even more. I agree, it would be great if you could work that in. To make room, you can drop 'Serendipity believe’s she found the key to saving Grandpa’s memory. Grandpa’s memory worsens and black holes appear in her starling’s fur (stars have fur?).' Starling is also a kind of bird, so I was a little confused.
Good luck!
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