“Wait a minute. Wait a minute. No way, I’m not doing it.” Donovan pulled out of the circle. Three heads lifted in the darkened room to look at him. The light off their cell phone screens cast their faces in a purple hue.
“What are you doing, Donovan? We haven’t picked anyone yet.” Rosco held his own fist suspended in midair over Titus’s. Tufts above his black eyes lifted and he stared incredulous at Donovan.
“I can count as well as anyone. Everyone knows when there are only four in Eenie, Meenie, Minie, Moe the one standing next to the chooser gets chosen, and I’m not doing it.” Donavan’s voice grew louder.
“Hey, quiet down over there. I’m listening to this.” JT sounded angry. Because JT was Remote Station B’s squad leader, Titus felt a sudden queazy flutter of fear in his belly. He did not want to get into trouble on his first night on the watch. Too many others were depending on him. He closed his mouth with an audible snap. From the screen in front of JT a high-pitched grating voice blasted through the darkened chamber of RRAT HQ as JT un-paused the video channel he was watching on his console. All four heads of Titus’s group swiveled to watch too.
On the screen a red-faced man glared at the camera. Human’s came in so many shapes and sizes Titus couldn’t tell how old the guy was.
Post by shaelynberg on Feb 3, 2017 15:37:28 GMT -5
I love that the story starts right in the action. I think the hesitation of being picked is something that many kids can relate to, especially in the "eerie, meenie, minie, moe" game. I also really enjoyed the last two sentences--the full context of the situation makes me want to read more. It reminds me a bit of The Borrowers and Ratatouille.
In my opinion, you could tighten up certains areas of description. For example, the purple hue of the upturned faces didn't add anything from me. Donovan's hesitation was enough to picture the startle/annoyance of the others in the circle. I also had a hard time with this sentence: "Tufts above his black eyes lifted and he stared icredulous at Donovan." I don't necessary think it needs to be cut, but you might not need the second part, as we already can determine by Titus's response and frozen fist that he's annoyed.
One last thing: I was thrown off when Titus was the one who felt nervous after hearing JT. I expected that to be Donovan, as Titus up until this point seems more confident than Donovan.
Thank you for sharing! You've definitely left me hungry for more in these first 250 words. Shae