The only thing Morgan enjoyed more than a hot bath was burying his blade in the nape of a monster’s neck. It was a slower kill than going for the jugular, but that was part of the thrill: he liked it when they gasped and twitched. “I’m not sure about this,” Reid whispered from the other side of the bed. “Shouldn’t an alarm have gone off? Doesn’t she have security? Maybe we should—” “We’re already behind schedule,” said Morgan. “We don’t have time to sweep the house again.” “I know, but—” “We’ve been in here for ten minutes. If there were any traps, they would have gone off already.” “That’s what people say right before they’re murdered.” Reid inched up to one of the curtains and poked it, hard. Then he jumped away, sword at the ready, like he expected the maroon fabric to poke him back. “You’ve been listening to too many of Amelia’s stories," said Morgan. "I told you before we left that I triple-checked everything. We’re fine.” “That’s the other thing people say right before they’re murdered.” Morgan shook his head, ignoring his brother, and brought his knife back, pausing for a moment to examine the monster before he struck. She was old: her face bore more wrinkles than her pillow, and the curls spiking up from her head were shaded the rare gray color that so few of Jacobe’s soldiers lived long enough to acquire.
Last Edit: Feb 3, 2017 13:09:05 GMT -5 by sabrina: Formatting Problem
I thought the first sentence was good and caught my attention. I think the rest is great dialogue, however, I think you need a little more setting so we have something to ground us as to where they are. I sit dark, cold, any smells? One reason for this is because there are monsters and swords, and then the rest, without any setting, feels very modern. And maybe it is, and that's great. And maybe it's not and there's kind of a disconnect. I think a little internal monologue about his thoughts during all this would help make it more interesting and get to know the MC better. Good luck.