Post by storyologist on Feb 3, 2017 9:20:18 GMT -5
Books make lousy shoes.
But Jack had outgrown his boots, and the stones on the beach were sharp. So he tied Treasure Island to his right foot and The Three Musketeers to his left.
Then he stole a screwdriver and clomped to the beach. Jack dropped to the sand, rocks jabbing his knees. Seagulls screeched and swooped overhead. A school of mullet jumped close to shore.
He blew hair from his eyes. “I can do this.” The airship was on the horizon, chewing through clouds like a silver shark. Excitement and hope swirled in Jack’s chest. The ship would be here in a few minutes.
He had to get these stupid gloves off before it arrived.
You’re going to fail, said a slithery voice inside his brain.
Doubt gnawed Jack’s stomach. He shook his head. “Go away.” He jammed the screwdriver under the brass band that locked the metal glove on his left hand. If Elsbeth caught him, she’d toss him into the Crab Closet.
Jack’s hand trembled. He steadied it. Elsbeth was still sleeping and Jack planned to be gone before she woke.
He pried at the lock. “Break!” It didn’t budge. The gloves, made of tight copper mesh, gave Jack the flexibility to hold the screwdriver, but were too strong to break.
His fingernails pressed painfully against the metal.
I have to get the gloves off or I’ll forget my parents … again, Jack thought, his throat tight.
Post by paperandink on Feb 3, 2017 11:55:30 GMT -5
I'm hooked. There are so many questions opened up in these first lines, and I love the image of an airship chewing through like a shark.(Great description!) I'm very curious about the gloves and wonder if a tiny little bit more could be said about them. Does he need to take them off to signal the airship? Why will keeping them on make him forget about his parents? There are almost too many open questions in these lines, but that depends on the first pages. Jack and this world definitely have me wanting to know more. Good job!
It's a great start, certainly giving rise to intriguing questions. But I don't 'see' enough. I'm not brought into the moment as a setting possibly because the seagulls and mullets are so common. You do a good job of projecting Jack's fear/frustration, but even that might be enhanced if we knew how close he was to where Elsbeth was. And maybe a few more adjectives would help. Course, that's subjective.
In para 2 you start with a But, So and Then. You really should not use those words to segue between sentences.