Post by daniellefreeland on Feb 3, 2017 7:43:45 GMT -5
ALONE is a 398 word picture book targeted for children aged 4 to 9. It has themes of resilience, independence, friendship and determination.
Daisy stands alone with nothing to see around her except endless fields of grass and weeds. In the distance, hundreds of blooms rustle together. She tries to open her petals to show a fraction of her bright beauty, but feels afraid being so little. Thunder, insects and weeds attack her and beat her down. Finally, when spring comes, bringing friends all around her, she learns that being alone has made her strong and confident.
I am a member of Book Links (Qld), SQBWI, 12x12 picture book challenge, and Writelinks. I received third prize from the CYA conference in Brisbane for my manuscript The Perfect Day in 2014.
The first paragraph looks great to me. In the second paragraph, I stumbled on “but feels afraid being so little,” and would suggest rephrasing that. I think I stumbled on it because I wasn’t sure if she opened her petals and then felt afraid and closed them or if she was afraid but opened them anyway. In the spring line, I’d cut “start to” as editors usually suggest cutting that phrase. With the last sentence in that paragraph, rather than “Finally" you might want to say something like “As they emerge, she realizes...” Also, I think you can cut unafraid, as that is somewhat implied in strong.
Your qualifications are great. The one thing I would change is to delete “a” before “third prize.”
I would delete “I hope you will find this of interest,” as it’s unnecessary, and delete the hyphen in “thank-you."
Sounds like you include some lovely images, particularly with your flower petals! Take it with a grain of salt, because I'm learning, too, but I'm wondering about your title? The books that seem to be highlighted on the bookshelves include titles such as Dinosaurs Love Underpants (or is it Pirates? Or both?!) Anyway, the point is, since your message is about resiliency, I'm wondering if the title might reflect that hope, to be more competitive with what seems to be on the market?
I have read that including what's to be learned can turn agents off because the focus should be on telling a good story vs.teaching a lesson (at least in the commercial market). Also from this query I don't get a sense of what is at stake for your MC if she fails. Nice bio (12x12 is the best!).