The year I was born, astronomers discovered a new planet. They named it Eris. It’s the second largest dwarf planet in the solar system. It’s also the name of a Greek goddess. My mom used to say it was funny I came into the world the same year as the discovery of a planet that shares its name with the goddess of chaos, strife, and discord. She would literally laugh and say it was a sign because I had a disagreeable nature as a baby. Just like the goddess. I never understood why she thought that was funny. I mean, who would say that about their kid? Then again I never understood my mom.
This is what I think about as I stare out the window while the car speeds down the interstate. Grams’ reflection glances back at me.
“All I am asking is that you try to have an open mind, okay?” she says.
I want to tell her to keep her eyes on the road. That’s how accidents happen. But then I would have to speak to her and I’m not doing that right now. I guess my disagreeable nature is showing itself.
“Aurora, answer me.”
I hate it when she calls me that. What’s worse is when she calls me by my full name. Aurora Elizabeth Luna. That’s when I know I’m in trouble. Not to mention, it’s the ugliest name ever.
To most people I’m Rory and to some boys at school who think they’re funny, I’m Moon Girl.
Is there a way you can tighten the sentences about the comparison to Eris? To me, the beginning reads a bit telly and encyclopedia-ish and I think you can get to the point quicker, yunno, with less words and still make an impact.
"This is what I think about as I stare out the window while the car speeds down the interstate. Grams’ reflection glances back at me." I don't know why, but I thought Aurora was in a house watching her mom speed down an interstate. (Yes, I thought she was close to a ramp in a metro area). I also thought her grandma was standing behind her inside the house when she saw the reflection. So, I just thought her mom had dumped her at Grandma's. Also, if Grams glances back, is she really looking in the rearview mirror? But wait and get other's opinions. It might just be the way I read the two sentences.
I'm curious to why "some boys" and not girls call her Moon Girl. What has she done, or what has happened, for her to earn this nickname?
I super LOVE your title! It makes me feel the story will be full of action and I'm curious how it ties into the story. Awesome selection!
Just for fun, imagine starting it with... "All I'm asking is that you try to have an open mind, okay?" Grams' reflection glances back at me as we speed down the interstate.
So now we have a question in our minds. What are they going to that requires and open mind? Fill in the rest about the planet etc. after we have seen her attitude and her silence. The beginning just seems a bit info globby to me I do like her personality, and am wondering where they are going, and why she needs an open mind.
Post by joymccullough on Feb 3, 2017 20:00:51 GMT -5
While you don't necessarily want to start with dialogue, I'd suggest working the bit about the goddess and the planet into the story more organically at a later point in the manuscript. It's a little bit dry as an opener? And then it's backstory.
Openings are tricky. Maybe she's looking out the window at the moon (since it can be seen in the daytime too) and that's where she begins. Play with it!
Once you get into the dialogue, I really like the voice.