In a small green house on Cape Street, eight-year-old Billy Robinson sits on his bed and dumps out his pockets. It’s what he does every Sunday after lunch. He empties his coat pockets, his pants pockets and even the pocket on his backpack. He looks the collection over carefully and chooses his best find. He puts it in his pocket and shoves the rest into the bottom drawer of his dresser.
Then he straps on his bike helmet, hops on his bike and pedals four blocks over, to the Elm Street Seniors Home.
* * *
In a large brick care home on Elm Street, 79-year-old Bob Myers sits on his bed and dumps out his pockets. It’s what he does every Sunday after lunch. He empties his coat pockets, his pants pockets and even the pocket on his bathrobe. He looks the collection over carefully and chooses his best find. He puts it in his pocket and shoves the rest into the bottom drawer of his dresser.
Then he sits in his chair and waits.
* * *
When Billy arrives at the care home, he parks his bike by the back door and hangs his helmet on the handlebars. He yanks opens the heavy glass door
and goes in.
“Hiya, Billy,” says the worker behind the desk.
“Hi,” replies Billy with a wave and a smile. He continues past the desk and turns left down the hallway to room 14.
The door is usually open, but Billy always calls out “Knock! Knock!”
This sounds like it’s going to be a great concept.
“Care home” is an unusual term to use. If you’re submitting in the U.S., I’d probably change it to nursing home.
I like how both the boy and old man are parallel, but with the change to bathrobe rather than backpack. I’d consider making one more slight change, probably to the dresser line, as it’s a little strange that they both keep their collection in the bottom drawer of their dresser. Maybe the boy could keep his in a lunchbox or something or the older man could keep his in a suitcase? I think a detail like that could make it a little more whimsical.
I’d delete “with a wave and a smile” as that is better shown through pictures/left to the illustrator.
This is really lovely. Right off the bat I feel the quiet, sweet tone of the story. It kind of reminds me of Mem Fox's "Wilfrid Gordon McDonald Partridge," which is one of my favorite books.
I love the parallels between Billy and Bob's action, but I might mix up some of the details and/or language. Because the paragraphs are a little long it feels too repetitive to be reading the exact same description twice. I think you can convey that they have a the same routine while altering how you describe it.
This is a good start. I do think it needs to be more lean with the words and establish more of a rhythm. Think about words that can be replaced or covered by the illustrations. Like the ages. The pictures should take care of that information.