Violet’s heart thumped against her chest. She sat across the table from her head teacher in a gloomy, curtained booth. ‘Violet. Are you listening?’ she snapped out of a dreadful daze to look at an even more dreadful face. ‘Look into the mirror, and don’t stop until I tell you to. And don’t worry, your human counterpart can’t see you.’
Violet turned away from the long, pale and scowling face of Ms D’Astard. But what she faced instead didn’t make her feel any better. After all, it’s not every day you stare at a mirror that tells you your future.
This particular mirror was made of purple stone, which glowed. And let’s face it that alone was pretty weird. Violet got a strong feeling it knew exactly what she was thinking. But the weirdest part was that it didn’t reflect anything at all.
Violet leaned in closer. Suddenly, the surface shimmered. She saw a face looking back at her. It was hers, but at the same time, it wasn’t her face. Violet’s stomach churned. She closed her eyes and turned away, unable to peer into that mirror any longer.
‘Nearly done, Violet. I’m sure you can handle a few moments longer,’ said the frosty voice of Ms D’Astard, the odious head teacher of Violet’s school Coldwells Academy for Overachievers. Her lips curled into an unpleasant smile. She seemed to be taking pleasure in Violet’s discomfort.
With a huge amount of reluctance, Violet gazed back into the mirror. What she saw next was even stranger than before. In fact, it was terrifying.
Last Edit: Feb 2, 2017 14:55:13 GMT -5 by hbrewitt
Post by lauracwhitney on Feb 2, 2017 12:14:30 GMT -5
Wow I definitely am intrigued by the line "Don't worry, Violet. Your human counterpart can't see you". I want to know more about what kind of ominous things are happening at Coldwells Academy. Very interesting so far!
Post by lauralovestowrite on Feb 2, 2017 13:00:20 GMT -5
I think this a neat premise from what I can tell so far. My best advice would be to immediately paint the picture of the scene with as little words as possible. I know that things are 'dreadful' and that Violet is uncomfortable, but I don't have a firm grasp on what is actually going on, or where Violet is located within the scene. Is she sitting in a desk? Then the cold, dreadful face of her teacher peered into her's. That would place us in the scene better. As it was, I was a little confused as to whether she was staring in the mirror from the get-go when she saw a face staring back at her. It's really common for writers to drop readers into a passage that's meant to intrigue and then add clarifying details as it goes along, and I just think you need more clarifying details faster, and it'll increase the intrigue! You want to hook your reader (or agent) immediately from the first lines of the story, and the coolest thing I see here is the idea of her being in a school where you look at mirrors that let you see human counterparts. I'd probably get to that sooner. Also, nix the "all of a sudden." Good job so far!
I love the line '...your human counterpart can't see you.' Lots of implications through dialogue in a short snippet. Bravo!
You've made it clear that the head teacher is a difficult person and Violet is freaked out. That said, I'd like to be more grounded in the scene by knowing what Violet is doing in that booth and why. Is this a normal review? A special right of passage? Or is she in trouble for something she's done?
This is an inventive world! I am eager to read more.
This is an intriguing first page which I like very much. Good setup and "feel" of the setting. My suggestions would be to work on tightening it up to get a better cadence and rhythm established. Maybe something like this for the start:
Violet’s heart thumped against her chest. ‘Violet. Are you listening?’ She snapped out of a dreadful daze. ‘Look into the mirror, and don’t stop until I tell you to.' Violet looked at the even more dreadful face of her head teacher sitting across the table in a gloomy, curtained booth. And don’t worry, your human counterpart can’t see you.’