Post by faydra on Feb 3, 2017 10:32:52 GMT -5
‘Violet. Are you listening?’ she snapped out of a dreadful daze to look at an even more dreadful face.
Violet sat across the table from the head teacher in a gloomy, curtained booth, her heart thumping in her chest.
"Look into the mirror, and don’t stop until I tell you. Don’t worry, your human counterpart can’t see you," said Ms. D'Astard, the scowl of her impatience deepening.
Violent turned away from the pale-faced scowl, but what she faced...
"Nearly done, Violet. I’m sure you can handle a few moments longer,’ said the frosty voice of Ms D’Astard,
The vivid image of Violet’s human counterpart looked scared.
This can’t be right. Why is my human in a prison? Then, in a pulse-pounding moment, Violet glimpsed two tall black creatures. They were shrouded in darkness, but their eyes glowed brightly. They loomed forwards at two more people. Violet recognized them at once. They were the human counterparts of her parents.
Violet felt the hairs on the back of her neck prick up. It was like watching a nightmare play out, but she couldn’t wake up. Seconds later, the image faded, and the mirror
‘Violet, what did you see?’ Ms D’Astard lurched over the table, her fingernails hooked into the wood like the talons of an eagle. The head teacher looked
Violet hesitated. She was still too shocked to speak, and had no idea how she could explain what she just witnessed. ‘Umm…nothing. Just my human’s face.’ Violet lied.
It took a few moments, but Violet watched the thin, regal figure of Ms D’Astard edge backwards into her chair. Her perfectly styled, cloud-white hair
‘Very well,’ said Ms D’Astard, with narrowed eyes. ‘You can go now. Collect your certificate on your way out.’
Violet was only too keen to obey. She scurried out of the eerie booth where she’d been an eyewitness to a horror scene. Her legs felt like twigs about to snap.
Violet stepped through the curtains and onto a wooden stage. She gulped at the sight of hundreds of faces glaring up at her. In her hurry to get away from the mirror, Violet forgot about
Parents and students filled the huge, circular assembly hal
Unlike many of her friends, Violet wasn’t excited about copying the lifestyle choices of a human. Especially one she had never met and never would.
Just then, the short, messy-haired shape of Mr. Swizz, the science teacher, greeted Violet. He handed her a rolled certificate, which Violet grudgingly took.
After the ceremony, Violet decided to wait outside in the Rose Garden with her two best friends, Jack and Ivy.
(I feel like you're missing a but here about when her friends walked up and where they are exactly when this conversation takes place.)
"I was hoping Ms D’Astard would be sick today," said Jack.
‘She’s never sick.’ Violet frowned. ‘But I’m convinced she makes everyone else sick though. I got a headache just from looking into her eyes.’ (Ha!)
Violet moved to sit on a low wall next to Jack; her cheeks were flustered and warm. ‘So,’ she paused, and scratched her arm. ‘Did either of you happen to see anything…unusual when you looked into the mirror? And by unusual, I mean terrifying?’
‘Vi,’ said Jack with a cheeky grin. ‘Your face isn’t that bad.’
‘Shut up, Jack,’ Ivy hissed as she put her hand over his mouth.
Violet began to doubt what
Both Ivy and Jack looked at each other
‘Are you sure?’ Ivy asked, tying her teal curls into a bun . ‘Not that I don’t believe you, but you’ve been nervous about getting your Choices for a while now.’
‘Of course I’m sure!’ Violet snapped. ‘It was very clear. There was no way I could have imagined what I saw.’
‘It’s more than odd, Ivy.’ Violet stood up and paced back and forth. ‘I’m really worried something bad is going to happen to me and my family.’
But before anyone got a chance to say anything else, Violet
‘It’ll be ok, Vi,’ said Jack,
Violet tried to smile; perhaps Jack was right. She looked at the certificate sticking out of her bag. It was bad enough that she had to like what her human did, but now she was fretting something bad was going to happen to her.
‘I’d better go.’ Violet grabbed her backpack and moped forward
Violet joined her parents and tried to mask the concern she felt. They both gave her giant hugs, but they didn't comfort her.
As they approached their Z5 horse-powered cart, Violet’s father reached into his pocket to pull out a key. He unlocked the vehicle, and
Violet’s younger brother Benji raced ahead to get the seat behind the driver’s. She climbed into the carriage, content to let him have it this time and was in no mood for a squabble.
Violet sank into the chair and stared out the window. Was it just a glitch? Should I really be worried
She tried to put it out of her mind. Tomorrow, everything would be back to normal
But the day wasn’t done with taunting Violet with strange things. Across the cart park, stood the painfully thin figure of Ms D’Astard. When she noticed Violet, the head teacher gave her a long and suspicious stare. Violet flinched. That was weird. Does she know I saw something I shouldn’t have?
I love the idea of a bright and vibrant shadow world and a girl resentful about her human ties/control. Very interesting! Take or leave a lot of these edits--some are just style choices. But definitely look to where you can tighten and change "was" verbs into something more active. And be sure to have the " in front of your dialogue instead of the ' you use here. Best of luck with this manuscript.