This is very cute - as an older sister to a Jake (seriously!) this story made me laugh. Though I wasn't as keen to look after Jake when he was a baby - Ella is a far nicer older sister than me.
I liked this story. I think it's a really sweet sibling bond story.
The only thing I'll say in regards to criticism is I don't quite like the wording of "Want to swing? Ella was a powerful pusher." I think it's the word 'pusher' for me. Maybe it could instead be "Want to play? Ella knew every game." Something like that but just a suggestion.
MG HATCHER HOUSE Query: writeonconforums.org/thread/151/mg-hatcher-house First 250 Words: writeonconforums.org/thread/230/mg-gothic-hatcher-house First 5 Pages: writeonconforums.org/thread/287/mg-magical-realism-hatcher-house
PB O'CONNELL V. O'CONNELL Query: writeonconforums.org/thread/353/pb-oconnell First 250 Words: writeonconforums.org/thread/155/pb-oconnell
Fabulous character! Seriously. I can imagine a whole series of books about Ella.
These lines really, REALLY grabbed my attention and I wonder if they would make a stronger start to your story and keep the focus on your protagonist: Ella was a samurai. Powerful. Smart. Brave. And the Jones household needed protecting - especially at night.
I think it's a whale of a hook. Good luck!!!!
Last Edit: Feb 2, 2017 13:13:21 GMT -5 by dianelandy
Great start! I really like the voice and set up! I agree with the comment above - starting with the samurai bit gives it more energy and makes it stand out from other new baby books. You could then transition with a "so when the Jones household had a new baby.....She did x, y, z" and really center what Ella is doing, rather than the baby. Does that make sense? Hope this helps!
Thanks everybody for the really nice comments! (And I would love a whole series with Ella, dianelandy ) Now thinking of flipping that top to start with Ella instead of the baby. I can see how that could improve it. Getting to work ...