Why Stories Matter, by Silver Silphaus Tesla Track Year Two
Stories tell us where we came from. They help us make sense of the past and in so doing make a better future. Of all the skills we have learned in our journey from the Earth to the Moon, the greatest has been how to tell stories. I mean, you might say that it’s how to grow food in lunar greenhouses with minimal water, or how to regulate gravity with coils and patches, or even, if you think about it just a little bit, how to pressurize our biosuits so we don’t spontaneously implode… but no, clearly, the best and most important thing to study is the art, not science, of storytelling.
I let my head fall to Dad’s desk, fortunately cushioned by my helmet. Maybe I should write a story about that.
“Everything ok, Silvey?” Dad called from his work station without looking up.
“Oh yeah, it’s atomic. Just lying in essay form over here.”
“Ok, keep up the good work!”
Hard to tell if he was listening or not. I kind of hoped he wasn’t because he really should be focusing. Dad struggles with details a little. You would think I could trust Uncle Alvin to help with that, but the last time I left them together for too long, Dad reset the gravity settings on the house while Alvin had his head stuck inside a Uniship coil. Stuff was floating around for a week. They need supervision.
*** Thanks for any comments! I really appreciate it.
I like that you raise the theme of storytelling straight from the beginning. I assume that excerpt is from an in-world book or document--I always like those in SFF so that we get a flavor of the world.
The dialogue portion of this was a little confusing to me. What's atomic? What's our protagonist doing? Reading? I feel like I'm not getting enough context for the beginning of the story. I'd like to know a little more about our protagonist and his/her role on the spaceship.
Also, "ok" should be "okay."
This is a really interesting world and I'd be interested to know more.
Post by adriannacuevas on Feb 1, 2017 16:07:03 GMT -5
I enjoyed this beginning. It made me curious about the world your main character lives in. I especially liked the descriptions of the antics that the dad and uncle get into. The tone is very middle grade for that. One thing that was confusing to me was the line "Maybe I should write a story about that." Were you talking about him falling asleep at his dad's desk... his helmet...? I wasn't sure. Overall, I'm curious to see where this goes!
Great tone, and it sounds like it'll be fun by the last paragraph. I'd keep reading.
I have to agree that it's the first line of narrative that throws me. First off, I don't think you mean the desk is cushioned. And why is Silvey wearing one? And why at Dad's desk? And why a desk for that matter, when most work can be done on one's lap?
Then I'm confused about story writing versus the later comment about essays. Which is it?
'They need supervision' should be past tense to match the rest of the text
There are some really funny elements here. I love the dad and the uncle! And you don't overdo explaining the world they are living in. I like to discover that on my own. My only real critique is one others have already pointed out--I'd start with the character and let us get to know her before the excerpt from the book. You could just shift things around a little. Have her interact with her dad, then go to the reading? Best of luck!
Thank you all so much! I see why the helmet line is confusing and actually changed it for the first 5 pages already. I really appreciate the feedback. I also think it's clear I need to start with a line or two that makes it obvious Silver is writing an essay about the importance of story telling, since that seemed to throw people as well. This is so helpful!
I enjoyed the beginning and felt that it connected well to Silvey as a writer, but not as clear that his essay is about storytelling. I was confused by the line "Just lying in essay form over here." I am intrigued to see what antics Uncle Alvin and the dad will get into and how Silvey will interact with them.
Last Edit: Feb 3, 2017 17:37:23 GMT -5 by slipshaw