So I didn't read your query--just dove in. You've got a really clear voice here. I love the first few sentences. I will say that be careful you don't let the voice of your character get too overpowering throughout the story. Narrators with a strong voice can start out engaging and then turn readers off. For me, the "where was i again? New York. I was back in New York" was over the top. It's awfully early for rhetorical questions so that pulled me out of the story, and then the two mentions of NY are reptitive becuase it was only a paragraph ago that the date and setting were spelled out for us as readers. Instead of that or the describing her actions, it'd be more interesting to just jump into the whole "Krat was over two hours late for the most important meeting of his life." or something.
Post by delightfulperson on Feb 2, 2017 9:25:57 GMT -5
Got it! Will change it to:
The floor-to-ceiling windows sparkled yellow against the coming dark, the line of endless skyscrapers glowing on the Manhattan horizon like a myriad of sleeping fireflies. And yet, all these conference rooms seemed the same to me. Same sterile style, same lingering smell of fancy closet. Like an elegant Christmas with Frank Sinatra.
And there I stood (well, sat), a twenty-seven-year-old girl who...
Thank you for your feedback! Her voice in the following pages is more mellow than in here. Definitely need to find a balance with these first pages. Thanks.