OH very interesting! Is this the whole of the query or did you just not include the opening and closing bits? We definitely need a little intro about the story, (Title plus age group and genre, and I think comps will really help too for this one). While I love that the voice of your character is coming across, I think as it is, it's a little too unconventional as far as professional queries for NA go. I think if you lose the bits in parenthesis (which makes it sounds more like YA or even MG), you'll be golden! Also, if you can cut down on some the backstory and stick to the generic query formula for these early drafts, I think you'll find it much easier to edit and polish up! For me the generic formula is:
1. Intro ("Dear Agent Name, I'm querying you with my CATEGORY GENRE TITLE..." 2. Meat of Query: Over three-ish paragraphs this should include: Intro to MC, Inciting Incident/Main Conflict, Stakes and what will happen if Conflict is not resolved. 3. Bio/Closing paragraph
I am very intrigued by Shadow -- nice set up. I think you need more explanation in the words and format ... for example, why is Honest Trailer capitalized? And, I don't know the two references you have (Marvel’s Un-Civil War and How to Lose a Your (Married) Best-Friend in Ten Days) but maybe your target agent audience would. Also, with all the parentheses, if this is the style of the book, keep them. If not, consider changing.
I think the character alone would get you to a next step for more info. Nice!
I am definitely your target audience because I got all the pop culture references here and I laughed. This is really great. You'd just really need to catch the eye of an agent familiar with Screen Junkies and Marvel for this to land. You've got some great voice here. Just make sure you put that last bit about the title, the length, and whether it's a standalone or has series potential.
The only part I found confusing was the bit about Shadow's history with Krat. Maybe consider re-wording it to be a little clearer? Otherwise, I think this is really great. Genius, billionaire, philanthropist indeed! Hahaha.
Post by julianahaygert on Feb 3, 2017 9:20:17 GMT -5
I also got all the references and thought it added really great voice to your query. One minor thign that tripped me was when you mentioned she was a billionaire ... hm, I don't think movie stars are billionaires. Maybe the olders, more successful ones, but being young? I don't think so. Maybe she's a 9-figure millionaire, but I don't think she would be a billionaire ... unless that money came from her family and not from her movies. "she develops these strange, contagious things called feelings" >> love this line! lol Overall, this sounds like a great story. Good luck!